Well… I *almost* got loaded last night. My best friend and I split up after 3 years as a couple yesterday. I wept openly as I uncollared her and released her and we were both bawling as I held her afterward. Unclasping that collar is among the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I spent the rest of the day swinging between numbness and tears, numbness and tears. Last night I found myself staring at that bottle of pain killers.
And I thought, quite calmly, Fuck I’m tired. I’ve lost my career, my leg and my girl in 6 months. I’m tired of being strong. Tired of being wise. I just. want. to rest.
I turned away and went to bed.
I dont have any answers, no paths to follow. I feel utterly lost without the comforting knowledge that I am her Daddy and that she has my back. I dont feel broken though, only rudderless, and I know from past experience that my God has the wind and the stars to guide me if only I look up. This weekend though, I rest.